Best practices voor ADHD en partnerschaapril 29, 2020
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I am wondering how you as a person with ADHD navigate the intersection of your symptoms with your relationship. I am also wondering how you as the partner of someone with ADHD navigate this intersection. I am looking for what is normal in the dynamic, what is actionable, and who is responsible for what.
I am struggling with how to cope with signs of learned helplessness in my partner. My partner has ADHD and struggles in predictable ways, with the added difficulty of lack of support for it growing up which impacts one differently than having access to medication, mental health and occupational therapy to help one learn how to navigate the neurotypical world.
My partner has lately taken on 95% of domestic matters most days, from cooking and cleaning to childcare while I focus on work. This arrangement initially required some negotiation of expectations and standards but since then has been pretty great. He always finds a way to say yes if I needed extra time for self-care, has not complained about being the primary domestic person, and we actually have gotten along better during lockdown than we were previously. However.
There are certain projects and tasks that my partner needs gentle reminders for, and does not take it upon himself to track things because multiple systems for tracking things have been tried and failed over many years so he has given up. This means no morning calender checks, no written list of ongoing projects, no general habit of creating reminders for himself to pop into awareness at the moment in time when the information is needed, and so forth. You know, the stuff that is recommended for people with ADHD to organize their lives. I resent him for not doing these things, even though I have empathy for the multiple failures behind this resignation.
I take on these administrative burdens only for areas that I find personally impactful and meaningful, deciding that anything else that blows up in his face due to this lack of organizing is his to manage. This was a recommendation for my own support dealing with ADHD as the neurotypical partner.
He has recently started therapy. I have asked him to share with the therapist his current attitude about personal organization, that it is causing marital strain, and see what they say. I do not agree with him just being resigned and not attempting to manage information in a more organized manner. I feel dumped on. Communication about this issue has this far not been very successful. I am wondering if you deal with this dynamic in your relationship, or if you have ADHD and learned helplessness what do you think I should do here?
I am requesting that you please answer what is actually being asked. I have gotten plenty of the DTMF answers to previous asks. I really just need to know how to deal with learned helplessness in a partner whose lack of self management is causing problems for other people.